


Fixing the Super-Problem

by ArgentNoelle, Sonia34



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice Abridged
Genre: (IC for Abridged universe), (of YJ Abridged), AU for Season 2, Action & Romance, Apple Pie, Awkward Dates, Bruce's Parents Are Dead, Cookies, Crack, DC Abridged Universe, Disco, Eavesdropping, F/M, Gen, Happy Ending, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Intervention, Kidnapping, Lois Lane is Awesome, Lois Lane saves the day, Mild Language, Mind Meld, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, OOC, Parody, Puns & Word Play, References to Drugs, Repressed Memories, Russian Roulette, Sarcasm, Season 1 Canon Compliant, Warning: Superman is Totally Awful, Xenophobia, Young Justice Abridged - Freeform, based on webseries, father-son bonding, language that has been bleeped out, mysogyny, seriously, this is a story set in DC abridged universe so things are weird, watch the YT series or it won't make any sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 22:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12262926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentNoelle/pseuds/ArgentNoelle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonia34/pseuds/Sonia34
Summary: Lois realizes why Superman has been such an !@#$ recently, and resolves to fix it.This might take a bit of nefarious planning (all for a good cause, of course).





	1. Superboy’s Super-Drugs

_ “They’re better than vodka!” _

* * *

 

Superboy smashed the villain into a truck, screaming and yelling Russian insults at the top of his lungs. 

“Ow!” the crook yelled in annoyance.

“Car trouble?” asked Superboy.

 

Kid Flash zoomed over to a woman who was picking up a dufflebag of money and trying to make her way out of the midst of the battle. 

“You need any help with that?” asked Kid Flash, leaning on a fire-hydrant and trying to look cool.

“Oh yeah,” the woman answered. “I’d love to let such a brave superhero assist me in taking this stolen money back to my lair,” she drawled sarcastically.

“I’d love to visit your lair--wait, what?” KF stopped short. “Are you one of the bad guys?”

“You couldn’t tell?” 

“I was distracted--it’s not my fault you’re hot!”

“Such gushing,” she said, kicking a hole in the fire-hydrant and running out of the way. “I’m flattered!”

Kid Flash yelped as the water pushed him across the road.

 

“I don’t know where that water came from,” Aqualad said to himself, “but it’s sure useful!” He channeled up a wave and knocked out the crook in front of him. “Now that’s what I call water power!”

 

M’Gann scanned the scene from where she was floating, cloaked, in the air above the fight. *Superboy, robber with a sword at three o’clock!* she yelled telepathically.

*What do you mean, it’s noon!* Superboy yelled back. *...Oh right, American slang.*

He took a small box out of his pocket and pulled out a patch with a Superman-logo, slapping it onto his arm, and turning around to punch the sword. It broke in half.

The robber pulled out another sword.

“WHAT ARE YOU, A SAMURAI?” Superboy said, in an obnoxious voice that was all too familiar to the rest of the team. They turned around in shock to see why Superman was here. In the distraction, three robbers piled into a car and drove away. 

“THAT IMPLIES YOU’RE NOT AMERICAN! I HATE YOU!”

Superboy heat-visioned the second sword, causing it to melt. The man screamed as the molten metal touched his hand. He dropped the sword and pulled out another one.

“OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU EVEN KEEPING THOSE? IN YOUR—”

“Superboy, what are you doing?!” Megan gasped in horror.

“Why is he acting like…  _ Superman! _ ” exclaimed KF, speeding over to watch with the others, who had gathered around the scene.

Superboy grabbed the robber and flew into the air a few feet before dropping him to the ground. The man lay still, unconscious. Superboy drifted down and grinned widely, before turning to his teammates. 

“WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE STARING AT?”

“Dude, you’re acting like your Dad! And you have his powers!” said Kid Flash.

“WHAT A HIGH COMPLIMENT!”

“That wasn’t…”

“Uh,” Aqualad interjected, “I’m still a bit unclear. How do you have those powers all of a sudden?”

“OH, THAT’S SIMPLE!” The strange American accent faded away and was replaced with Superboy’s usual Russian one.

“I have been using these drugs that my father, Lex Luthor gave me!” he said, pulling the box from his pocket to show his team members. “He told me it would make me strong like Superman! And I don’t even have to eat all my vegetables!” 

“You’re on drugs?” asked Megan.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” said Aqualad.

“Am I the only one paying attention to the ‘Lex Luthor’ thing?” said KF.

“Of course it’s a good idea. They have a very nice feeling. They’re better than vodka! And—” Superboy trailed off. “Wait. Did you say they make me talk like Daddy?”

The team nodded.

“Помогите!” 


	2. Superman is An !@#$ (But We All Knew That)

_ “Stop talking nonsense or I’ll drop you in the ocean.” _

* * *

“IT’S SURE LUCKY I WAS HERE TO CATCH YOU, HUH LOIS?” Superman asked, hovering outside the window of a tall glass skyscraper. Sirens wailed as the building was slowly engulfed in flames. A second later, it exploded, sending glass and concrete flying into the air. Bomb control cursed.

“Yeah. Thank my lucky stars,” said Lois flatly.

“AND FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE, YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP JUMPING OUT WINDOWS ALL THE TIME!”

“Yeah, why couldn’t I just stay in the exploding tower?” Lois said.

“EXACTLY! I JUST DON’T SEE WHY YOU HAVE TO BE SO DRAMATIC. YOU COULD GET HURT ONE OF THESE DAYS!”

Lois rolled her eyes. “You can put me down on the sidewalk.”

“ACTUALLY,” Superman began flying in the opposite direction, “I WAS THINKING WE COULD GO ON A DATE!”

“No thanks.” 

“BUT I HARDLY SEE YOU ANYMORE!”

“It’s a work day.” Lois opened her purse and started leafing through her planner.

“YOU NEVER USED TO CARE ABOUT THAT,” Superman whined. “IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I’D THINK YOU WERE TRYING TO AVOID ME.”

“Maybe that wouldn’t happen if you weren’t such a jerk,” Lois muttered under her breath.

“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?” Superman gasped. 

They flew over the ocean.

“Because it’s true. You used to be a little biased about things, but now you’re downright mean, and you hate anything that’s not from America.”

“THAT’S BECAUSE AMERICA IS THE BEST.”

“Still. You’ve just… you changed. You’ve gone too far.” She stuffed her planner back into her purse and zipped it up emphatically.

“STOP TALKING NONSENSE OR I’LL DROP YOU IN THE OCEAN.”

Lois narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t. I’d  _ die _ . You would have no one left.”

“DON’T BE SILLY, I WOULD HAVE MY PARENTS!”

“...Your parents are dead, Clark.”

“WHAT?”

“They died two years ago. In a tractor accident.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.”

“Come to think of it… that’s when you started acting weird.”

“LOIS, MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE. I JUST NEVER VISIT THEM.”

“Take me home.”

“WHAT ABOUT OUR DATE?”

“We can go out next week.”

“PROMISE?”

“Yes.”

“FINE THEN,” Superman shook his head, turning around. “WOMEN ARE SO FICKLE.”


	3. Thank God For Lois Lane

_ “Do you mean to say there’s a reason?” _

* * *

“Batman?”

Batman turned, smiling slightly as Lois entered the room.

“Why if it isn’t Lois Lane, Metropolis’s most attractive reporter. To what to I owe the—”

“We need to talk. It’s about Superman.”

Batman sighed. “Why am I not surprised.”

Lois leaned against the Bat-Computer. “I figured out what’s wrong with him. I know why he’s been acting like an !@#$% for the past two years.”

“Do you mean to say there’s a reason?” Batman asked sarcastically.

“A cause, and an effect,” smiled Lois, “and hopefully a way to reverse it.” 

Behind his mask, Batman’s eyes shone. This was even better news than when Alfred said he fixed the chocolate fountain. He sat down in his spinny Bat-Chair.

“Go on,” he said imposingly.

 

“Bruce, do you remember the funeral?”

“Why… why would you bring that up?” Bruce asked, traumatized. “Aren’t I messed up enough as it is? I think about my parents every day. And cry about them every night. They’re the reason I dress up like a goddamn bat.”

“No, I mean… the funeral for  _ Clark’s  _ parents. Two years ago.”

“Right. I knew that.”

“I confronted him today about his !@#$ attitude, and I discovered that he doesn’t remember his parents are dead! He didn’t seem to understand what I was talking about.”

“Clark rarely understands what anyone’s talking about,” Bruce said. “But it does seem strange. How could a person forget something like that?”

“And think. When, approximately, did he become insufferable?” Lois asked.

“If you ask me, he’s always been insufferable. But I suppose it really got worse about… two years ago.”

“So, he’s in  _ denial _ . And he has been for years!”

“And we didn’t notice because we’re !@#$ing idiots!”

“Exactly!—Wait…”

“It all comes together now. At the funeral, I remember giving Clark my condolences. He looked at me with a strange expression. It wasn’t even a sad expression. It didn’t make sense to me at the time.”

Lois and Batman stopped to ponder the strange situation. 

“If only,” said Batman, “you knew a smart, rich man who could help build some kind of device to snap Superman back into his senses. Someone well dressed and with an advanced understanding of technology. Someone with impeccable taste. Someone you… used to date.”

“You mean…”

“Uh-huh.”

“Bruce, you’re brilliant. I’ll go right now.”

Lois got up and rushed to the door.

“!@#$,” Bruce whispered. “I meant me.”


	4. The Devil You Know…

_ “Shouldn’t we be talking about our ‘heroic plan’?” _

* * *

“Why if it isn’t Lois Lane, Metropolis’s most annoying reporter,” Lex said as Lois barged her way into his penthouse. How she’d managed to find the room he was in, out of the approximately 300 rooms in the building was beyond him. Or maybe she knew he wouldn’t be anywhere besides the topmost room with a million windows and a snazzy mini bar.

“I figured out how to fix Superman.” she said.

“So did I,” Lex drawled. “Sadly, I haven’t managed to kill him yet.”

Lois huffed, sitting next to him, and pouring herself a drink.

“By all means, help yourself.” Lex slid on a pair of black shades and clicked a button on a remote control. Colored lights and disco music filled the room.

“Lex, I’m here on business,” Lois said.

“Are you sure you don’t want a hug first? You look stressed.”

“I’m fine.”

Lex shrugged and turned off the music, tucking the glasses back into his suit. “All right,” he said. 

 

“Look, two years ago, his parents died,” Lois started. “That’s common knowledge.”

“Really?” Lex asked. “I wasn’t aware Superman had parents. Didn’t he come out of the sky in a giant snowflake?”

Lois rolled her eyes. “I was talking about  _ Clark _ . You can’t deny that you know—you were  _ at _ the funeral!”

“Funeral?” Lex asked, innocently.

Lois sighed. “Off the record,” she said, turning off her tape recorder and putting it in her bag. 

Lex smiled. “Of course I remember—what about it?”

“Well apparently, Clark  _ doesn’t _ remember. I mentioned it and he thought I was making things up.”

“To be fair, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Lex said.

Lois ignored the remark. “He’s fooling himself, Lex, and the only way he can do it is by acting like such a !@#$wad that he can’t feel guilty about it.”

“You might actually have a point there,” Lex said thoughtfully.

“Damn right I do,” said Lois, taking a sip of her drink.

 

“So, you came here to… ask for my help?”

“Yes.”

“Normally I wouldn’t dream of assisting the Boy in Blue, but if it means getting rid of his horrific personality, I’m in. You can’t imagine how nasty things got when he found out my mother wasn’t American.”

“Great,” Lois smiled. “Now, can you tell me about your trade agreement in Bialia? What exactly do you hope to gain from it?”

“Shouldn’t we be talking about our ‘heroic plan’?” asked Lex, raising an eyebrow.

“Right. Sorry,” Lois said, shoving her pencil and notebook back into her bag. “So, do you think it’s possible to fix him?”

“Anything’s possible, Lois.” Lex smiled. “Even solving world hunger, and mind-controlling the entire Justice League. In fact, I already have an idea. We just need a machine that will allow us to take down his mental defenses enough to talk sense into him.”

“What would this machine look like?” Lois said, pulling a pen from where it was tucked behind her ear and starting to scribble on the back of her hand.

“Kind of like a vertical metal gurney with handcuffs on it, and an electronic headpiece that’s capable of delivering mental suggestions. —I can get it to you by tomorrow.”

“You can build it that fast?” asked Lois, impressed.

“I already have one. It’ll need a little…  _ re-wiring _ , but if all goes well it should do the job perfectly.” 

Lois grinned, finishing her drink. “I’ll get him here tonight. 8:00 sound good?”

Lex smiled thinly. “Take him to the Level Four science lab. I’ll bring cookies.”


	5. A Date With Reality

_ “I WAS PROMISED APPLE PIE!” _

* * *

“Knock knock!” said Lois, tapping on the back of the door.

Clark looked up from where he was sitting on his couch, watching TV.

“LOIS! I WASN’T EXPECTING TO SEE YOU HERE!”

“Yeah, well…” Lois walked over and sat beside him. “I was feeling…  _ regretful _ about how I acted earlier, and I wondered if you might want to go out for dinner?”

“A DATE?”

“A date.”

“A HEARTY AMERICAN MEAL?”

“Of course.”

“AND WE CAN COME BACK HERE AFTER?”

“No.”

“CAN WE KISS AFTER?”

“Fine.”

“WELL THEN, HOW COULD I REFUSE? I’LL GET MY COAT!”

Clark got up and spun around, his Superman uniform appearing as he did. A moment later he opened the window and picked up Lois, flying down to the street below.

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”

“A new place I thought we could try. But, it’s a surprise.”

“I’M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU MAKING MAJOR DECISIONS LIKE THIS BY YOURSELF.”

“Shut up and get in my car.”

 

* * *

 

It was a five minute drive. When they arrived at LexCorp Tower, Clark looked out the window skeptically. “ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ADDRESS?”

“Uh-huh.” Lois got out of the car and walked over to the passenger’s side, opening the door. Clark got out and crossed his arms.

“I DON’T THINK THERE’S A RESTAURANT IN THERE.”

“It’s new,” Lois lied. “It just opened yesterday.”

“STILL,” replied Clark skeptically, “THIS PLACE BELONGS TO MY ARCH NEMESIS! UNLESS WE’RE PLANNING TO MAKE OUT ON HIS DESK, I DON’T SEE ANY REASON TO GO IN THERE.”

“They have seven kinds of apple pie.”

Superman’s face lit up, and he began walking towards the entrance. “WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”

 

* * *

 

Superman blinked as the scene in front of him came into focus. Lois and Lex were standing side by side under the dim fluorescent lighting, and Lex had that cheery smile plastered on his face. Superman couldn’t move. He looked down to see that he was handcuffed to something that looked suspiciously like a vertical metal gurney. There was a small shard of kryptonite sitting on a table nearby.

 

“Cookie?” asked Lex, holding out a tray. Lois was just finishing her second one. They were very good.

“COOKIES? I WAS PROMISED APPLE PIE! AND FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE LOIS, WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA? HELPING LEX LUTHOR KIDNAP ME? THAT’S DESPICABLE!”

“Oh, she had her reasons,” smiled Lex, putting down the tray.

“ARE YOU TWO DATING AGAIN?” Superman asked, aghast.

“ _ No,”  _ replied Lex and Lois in unison.  _ That  _ would be the day.

“I’m here to do the right thing,” said Lois. “And I’m here because I love you.”

“WELL YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT!”

 

At that moment, Martian Manhunter and Batman entered the room.

 

“GOOD GOLLY, NOT YOU TOO!” Superman complained.

“We got your call,” Batman said, looking at Lois.

“WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO TO ME YOU EVIL MANIAC? DARN IT, I KNEW YOU WOULD SNAP SOMEDAY!”

“Are those cookies?” asked J’onn, ignoring the conversation and drifting over to where Lex stood, pouring himself a glass of milk.

“I’m not  _ evil, _ ” said Batman.

“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT AN EVIL PERSON WOULD SAY.”

“I’m here to help put things right. Because you’re crazy.”

‘I’M NOT CRAZY!” scoffed Superman.

Batman smirked. “That’s exactly what a crazy person would say.”

“DAMN IT!”

“Now, down to business. Team, huddle up.” 

Lex, Lois and J’onn moved to stand beside Batman, brushing crumbs off their clothing and swallowing quickly. 

“Here’s the deal, Clark,” said Batman.

“CLARK? WHO’S THAT?”

“You’re repressing a very important memory, and it’s turning you into a @#$hat. We’re going to use this extremely convenient machine that Lex built,” he motioned towards the stretcher, “to violently crumble the mental protections you’ve created, in order to let Martian enter your mind to relay messages from Lois. In this way, we hope to decrease your superiority complex and bring back the Clark Kent we know and… don’t hate.”

“WELL THAT EXPLAINS WHY  _ THEY’RE _ HERE, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?”

“I’m the exposition, dumbass,” Batman growled.

“You know,” said Lex, “I sense a conflict coming on… Why don’t I get us started!” He flipped a switch and his Mind Machine rumbled to life. Electricity surged in the headpiece and Superman screamed before falling silent, eyes glowing with blinding energy. Martian raised his hands and placed them on either side of Superman’s temples, his own eyes glowing green.

 

“What do you see?” asked Batman.

“An overwhelming variety of stereotypes.”

“And?”

“Clark. He’s napping in a hayloft.”

 

Lois stepped forward. J’onn lifted one hand off Superman and placed it against Lois’s forehead. The room around her seemed to melt away, and was replaced with the inside of a barn. In front of her, there was a ladder. She climbed up and looked around. The loft was bathed in a afternoon light, and lying on floor was Clark, eyes shut, breathing slowly.

 

Lois brushed a bit of hay off her suit, before kneeling down beside him.

*Clark?* There was no reply.

* _ Clark.*  _ Nothing. She touched his arm. * _ Smallville! _ Wake the hell up*

*ɢᴏ ᴀᴡᴀʏ,* Clark mumbled. *ɪ’ᴍ sʟᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢ.*

“Not anymore,” Lois said. She stood up and kicked him. *Get moving!*

Clark opened his eyes and glared up at her. *ᴡʜʏ?*

*Because we need you.  _ I  _ need you.*

Clark rubbed his eyes tiredly. *ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ. ɪ’ᴍ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ. ᴊᴜsᴛ… ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ sʟᴇᴇᴘ.*

*What we have isn’t you and you know it. It’s a !@#$ing perversion. Look!* Lois pointed out the loft window. Outside, memories floated in the air. 

*That’s you saving me the other day. But see the building exploding behind me? There was fifty people inside. You didn’t even  _ try _ to help them. You could have saved them—there was time.*

*...ɪ ʟᴇᴛ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴅɪᴇ?* asked Clark, confused.

*Yeah. And see that?* She pointed to another memory. *That’s you at a press interview.*

Clark’s eyes widened slightly, and he stood, walking over to Lois and staring out the window. 

*ɪ sᴀɪᴅ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢs?*

*Yes,* scowled Lois. *And I  _ know _ you. You only meant half of them.”

*ɪ’ᴍ sᴏʀʀʏ…* said Clark. *ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇʟᴘ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ ɢᴏ. ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴇᴛ. ɴᴏᴛ ɴᴏᴡ.*

*That’s not your choice anymore.*

Clark looked down at the floor. “ɪ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ. ɴᴏᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ.*

*Then don’t do it for me! Do it for your parents, for !@#$’s sake! Do you think they would like the !@#$ you’ve become? What would they say?*

*ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ!* yelled Clark, turning towards Lois, eyes blazing. *ᴛʜᴇʏ’ʀᴇ  _ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ! _ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ’ʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴍɪɴɢ ʙᴀᴄᴋ! ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʜᴏᴡ ɪᴛ ғᴇʟᴛ ᴛᴏ… ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ʟɪᴋᴇ? ᴛᴏ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴀᴘᴘʟᴇ ᴘɪᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴀʙʟᴇ, sᴛɪʟʟ ᴡᴀʀᴍ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡᴇʀᴇ? ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ ᴏᴜᴛsɪᴅᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ᴀɴᴅ sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡʀᴇᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ ᴍᴀᴄʜɪɴᴇ ᴄᴏᴠᴇʀᴇᴅ ɪɴ sᴍᴏᴋᴇ? ᴛᴏ sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ʟʏɪɴɢ ɪɴsɪᴅᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴋɴᴏᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴅ ᴊᴜsᴛ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ʙɪᴛ ғᴀsᴛᴇʀ—ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ʙɪᴛ sᴏᴏɴᴇʀ—ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴀʟʀɪɢʜᴛ? ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ɪɴ ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛᴇʟʟɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡᴀᴋᴇ ᴜᴘ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ !@#$ɪɴɢ ᴋɴᴏᴡ!*

 

He stopped, looking Lois in the eyes. * _ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ, _ * he whispered again. Lois stepped forward and put her arms around Clark, hugging him tight. She shook her head. “You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like. But I do know what it’s like to have someone leave and not come back.  _ Come back, _ Smallville.”

 

Clark leaned into Lois’s shoulder, brushing a hand through her hair and shutting his eyes. *sᴏᴍᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ,* he said quietly. *ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs  _ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ _ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴀ ʜᴇʟʟ ᴏғ ᴀ sᴘᴇᴇᴄʜ.*

 

The light from the window brightened, covering the loft before fading away onto the grey walls of Lex’s lab.

 

Superman and Lois opened their eyes. 

 

“Good to have you back,” said Martian, smiling at Superman. 

Batman walked up, searching Clark’s eyes for a moment before lifting a key and taking the handcuffs from around his wrists, as Lex slid the kryptonite into a box, glancing around quickly and sliding it into his pocket.

 

“It’s good to  _ be _ back,” said Clark, looking at Lois. “Thanks for talking sense into me.”

“Any time,” said Lois, placing her hands on Clark’s shoulders. “It’s what I do.”

“And you’re pretty good at it,” said Superman, grinning. “Even for a woman.” 

Lois shook her head and kissed him.

“You misogynist, you.”


	6. International Relations

_ “How dare you question my skill!” _

* * *

After Superman had adjusted to his more normal state, he had a realization. This realization was that he had a son. He wasn’t quite sure, but it seemed that visiting him might be a fatherly thing to do. Family bonding, and all that. Plus, Lois had said no more kissing until he had apologized to Superboy for acting like a, as she put it, “!@#$ed up excuse for a relative.”

 

After an hour of arguing, Superman had finally worked up the courage to fly to Mount Justice, where it took another hour to get the kids to let him in. Apparently, although he couldn’t see why, they all hated him.

 

When he finally got in, scowling, he marched down the hall, found the correct door, and stepped inside. Across the room, Superboy sat in a chair, staring into space.

 

“Superboy?”

“What? Who is that? How did you get into my room?” asked Superboy, startled.

“It’s me. Superman!”

Sasha stood and crossed his arms. “You are not Daddy. You don’t have his terrible voice. Also, he hates me.”

“I wasn’t really myself when we met before. But I’m fixed. I’m nice now! I came to apologize and, well, to get to know you a little.”

Superboy scrutinized Superman doubtfully. “So let us say this story is true,” he said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Why would I want to talk to you?”

“Well, I don’t know, because I’m your dad?”   
“You don’t even know my name.”

“Of course I do!” said Clark, throwing a hand into the air. “Your name is Superboy!”

“This is my title, not my name,” scoffed Superboy.

“Uh… is it George?”

“No!”

“Ryan?”

“Niet!”

“David?”

“No!”

“Archibald?”

“My name is Sasha!”

Clark stared. “Sasha?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s…” Superman walked over to Sasha and sat down beside him. “That’s a very interesting name. Not very American, but I suppose it makes sense, with you being Russian and all.”

“Do you... no longer hate my mother country?” asked Superboy, eyes widening slightly in hope.

“Oh, I do, I’m just keeping my disapproval to myself.”

“This is wonderful! Now I can feel good about my origins—just like my comrades!”

“Your what?”

“My comrades.”   
“Oh god.”

“What is wrong?”   
“You’re not just Russian, you’re a Russian stereotype!” Superman sighed. “I blame myself. I was a _ horrible _ role model.”

“Actually, you were horrible at everything.”

“Well, maybe I can make it up to you. Wanna play a game?”

Sasha thought for a moment before smiling thinly. “Have you ever played… Russian Roulette?”

 

* * *

 

“How long have they been in there?” asked Robin. “I’m starting to get a little worried.”

“Yeah,” said KF. “Maybe Supes isn’t really fixed. Maybe he just tricked us into thinking that so he could drag Sasha back to Krypton!”

“Krypton was destroyed,” said M’Gann.

“Yeah, well maybe he lied about that too!” Wally retorted.

“Oh, stop being so dumb,” huffed Artemis. “Let’s just go downstairs and listen through the door.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me,” replied Aqualad. “All in favor, say sea urchin!”

 

A minuted later, the group was had gathered outside Sasha’s bedroom door, piled almost on top of each other as they tried to listen to the loud shouting emerging from the other side.

 

_ “Can’t you do any better than that?” _ came Superman’s voice.

_ “How dare you question my skill!” _ Sasha retorted.

Suddenly, a bunch of loud noises echoed through the hall. Everyone jumped.

“What was that that?” hissed Rob.

“I don’t know, but it sure sounded scary,” said Kaldur.

_ “Let us speed things up, shall we?”  _

There was another bout of thundering crashes.

_ “Come on, don’t stop!” _

_ “I’m not stopping! I’m switching tactics!” _

_ “Wow,”  _ marveled Superman,  _ “that sure is big!” _

Outside the door, everyone froze, strange expressions on their faces.

“Please tell me they’re not doing what I think they’re doing,” said Wally, horrified.

“What do you think they’re doing?” 

“Oh, they’re probably just having sex,” M’Gann said.

“WHAT?!!!” screeched Artemis.

“Like that wasn’t what you were thinking, too!” said Wally.

“Well, as a matter of fact, I wasn’t! Thanks a lot!”

“Look, we have to stay calm,” said Robin.

_ “Harder, Sasha!”  _ came a shout from behind the door.  _ “I want to feel this tomorrow!” _

“This doesn’t seem legal,” said Kaldur. “Maybe we should stop them.”

“How?!” yelled the rest of the group, in unison (except M’Gann, who was smiling vacantly.)

There was a sudden silence from within the room. Then, Sasha said,  _ “you didn’t even aim right. What am I going to do about those bullet holes? Now Batman will know about my gun collection! _

_ “Well, why don’t you just hang a picture over it?” Superman suggested. _

_ “A picture of what?” _

_ “Um… Us! Having fun family times!” _

_ “But I don’t have a picture of that.” _

_ “Well then, let’s go find a pie place with a photobooth!” _

_ “Hmm… Very well.” _

_ “Great!” _

_ “Daddy?” _

_ “Yes?” _

_ “Thank you for coming here. I did not realize how important it was for me to have you in my life.” _

_ “Oh, say nothing of it! After all, you’re not so bad yourself. Who else will I ever get to play Russian Roulette with? All the other people I’ve tried it with end up dying! Haha.” _

_ “Silly mortals. You would think they would remember to bring a bullet-proof vest!” _

_ “Exactly. That’s what I kept telling the coroner!” _

 

“Did he say Russian Roulette?” asked Aqualad.

“Yeah,” said Artemis. “Thank god.”

“Somehow, I think they’re playing it wrong,” Robin remarked. “I don’t think it’s usually played by just shooting at each other point blank with machine guns.”

“How do you know he was using a machine gun?” asked M’Gann.

“Because Superman’s standing in front of us…” Robin trailed off, and they all turned to look. Superman was standing in the doorway, staring down at them with an air of faint disapproval.  “...with a machine gun.”

“Didn’t you know it’s not polite to snoop?” he said.

“A better question,” asked Sasha, coming up behind him, “is how do  _ you _ know how to play Russian Roulette? Your father is kind of an anti-gun fanatic.”

Robin glanced around nervously. “Well, it’s a long story… really boring. Not worth telling,” he said, unconvincingly. 

“I’m unconvinced, but okay,” said Superman. He threw the gun backward and Sasha caught it, tossing it back onto his bed.

“We are going out,” Sasha announced. “I am going to experience a real American meal with family. I would ask you to come along, but since you are not family, I would have to tell you to stay to hell out of our business,” he explained. “But I can bring you back a doggy bag!”

“With dogs in it?” M’Gann asked.

Superboy paused. “I do not think so, but I can always ask the chef.”

There was a moment's silence.

“That’s my boy!” Superman said proudly, clapping a hand on Superboy’s shoulder. “Always putting others first.”

 

~*The End*~


End file.
